Back And Weirder Than Ever- REJOICE, FRIENDS

You are in a great hall, superbly decorated by someone with a dark and eccentric taste. You walk towards the end, feet padding across the shiny floor. You squint in the darkness, towards the shape at the end of the hall. As you near, you realize that the shape is a desk with a high, leather backed chair behind it. The chair's back is facing you, so the occupant may gaze out the windows at the night. Eight feet away from the desk, you stop. And cough- politely.
The chair moves slowly, the back spinning away and the front spinning towards you. A face slides into the dim light of the hall. You silently accept your fate.
I look over my glasses at you, fingers steepled.
"You have accepted my offer, I see." I say, unnecessarily, because you wouldn't be here if you hadn't accepted. I've always liked drama like that.
"You seemed worthy of my attention." You say, from your place eight feet away from my desk, also unnecessarily. You wouldn't be here if I wasn't worthy of your attention. You've always liked drama like that.
I sigh. "First door on your right," I tell you. You nod and stride away, into the corridor.
A door creaks open.
Green light spills out, along with screams.
A door closes.

how many employees have fallen to the corn syrups's sticky regime?

preview:
 I illegally acquired a sprig of rosemary from the bush next to me, and made plans to speak to the ghosts in the study. (More on that later.) from there we walked to a fancy grocery store that does not like corn syrup. I think there might be epic battles being waged under the streets between the employees of the grocery store and corn syrup. how many employees have fallen to the corn syrups's sticky regime?
I feel like it is important to mention that I had string lights tied around my hat for the whole walk.

No one in the doll house was meant to be a newscaster.

Good morning, doll world. We have some very exciting news for you today. Of course, it's exciting every day! We aren't dead! We ate cereal! Oxygen and water continue to be the two most mandatory things for survival! Today's excitement includes: 

• Yule is coming up on Monday and Christmas is coming up on Friday
• Andie laughs and blushes whenever Rylan says something funny, which is one more reaction than what happens when Rylan usually says something funny, and two more reactions than the normal response to other stimuli like small talk and kleenex boxes and macaroni.
• The light in the picture is fabulous.
• I'm pretty sure Gwen is going to see the new Star Wars some time soon.

Goat Overlord Of The Universe: the full story

In earlier posts and in the comment boxes of at least three different people, I have mentioned that I am the Goat Overlord Of The Universe. You are no doubt wanting to know why this is. FEAR NOT! Your thirst for knowledge will be quenched. {quenched is a good word. Like splinched and wombat and guacamole}

HAPPY HOOLLIDAAAAYS

My school has a Christmas tree. It's REAL! It smells like Christmas in the lunchroom.

hello, people who experience time!
I'm in an unreasonably good mood today, compared to the unreasonably bad mood I was in last week.
I'm taking advantage of this happy mood to make a happy post about HOLIDAYS!
Normally, in my cynical, negative mind, I avoid things like Christmas music and holiday cheer....UNTIL DECEMBER! And now December has arrived, so the Christmasing may commence.
Anyhow, I thought I could explain to you my various thanksgivings with my various relatives.
In the thanksgiving with my mom's side of the family, Barrett (younger cousin) and I formed a cult. That is what we do for fun. Initiation to our cult involves saying the silliest thing you can think of with a completely straight face. The first person to laugh gets pepper sprinkled on their head. We are unsure of why this is.

Wow look at this big empty white space I can fill!

and if I manage to fill it to meet my own expectations, I just may show it to you.
Preview:

Does your family have a lot of pianos?

Billions.

How many you got?

We have piano keyboards falling out

 the windows, playing of their own accord.

The day they became sentient, Cole 

was lost and hasn't been seen since.

 We're unsure if this was the pianos fault.

Jesus Christ have they learned to reproduce?

Martian goat kitties- free to a good home

Howdy, folks!
I hope you are all having happy days. Or at least not painful. If you can't do happy i hope your are somewhere comfortably neutral.
I'm doing ok right now. That changes about as often as the direction of a hyperactive kindergartner in a toy store, but as of this moment I'm pretty ok
Today in school, I was doing brilliantly as filling out worksheets.
1. {questionquestionquestion} show your steps.
      I drew some stairs
2. {questionquestionquestion} give a brief answer in the space provided.
      I drew a pair of boxer briefs.
And then I gave an answer that started out with a normal sentence, answering the question. In the middle I prophesied about the second coming of velociraptors, and concluded with another normal sentence. The teacher walked by, saying "good job using up all the space..." And then he looked a little closer. "That's a little dark, don't you think?"
I am a laugh and a half, I tell you.

Hootenanny worm wart oil enhancing melancholyizer

Hey there folks.

Ive managed to crawl out from my homework and books and tv shows and music to come say hi.

Hi.

Andie and Rylan also say hi. I took these before Halloween was even here, and now Halloween is gone. Im super great at keeping track of things. The leaves were kind of squishy from the rain so Andie had to do a dance to get them to crunch properly.

I've got to tell you something: I have no belly button.

That was a lie. Forgive me- I do have a belly button. It's an innie.

I was sitting in math today when my brain decided it would be a good idea to be really anxious. You know, you're sitting there doing nothing of consequence when all of a sudden you brain says "hey, don't you have something to be nervous about? Time to nervous! Wheee!" And you're stuck with butterflies and a tight throat for a minute or so till brain says "oh. Never mind." Anyway, that little nervous spell reminded me (for no reason I can think of) of several years ago, in 6th grade, when my grandpa was in the hospital with lukemia (blood cancer). And we would go and visit him as often as possible, several times a week. I thought about that time, perhaps concernedly, because as an 11 year old, Grandpa dying wasn't even a possibility. I had absolutely no worries about that. At school I thought about telling my friends, simply because that was a thing that people got upset about and telling people the big things happening in your life was a normal thing to do? But I didn't, because it wasn't a problem for me.

THREE posts in the space of ONE! WhAt A dEaL!

For today's post, we have many special features, including skewed timelines, uninteresting anecdotes, crude scribbles, monochromatic geek tees, and so much more!

We'll start off the trip with the mildly interesting anecdotes concerning things that have happened in my life the past few months.

Mildly interesting thing #1

     I had to go to high school orientation on the 3rd. The welcome presentation was more than a little bit lackluster, in which the principal attempted to read meaningless quotes from the Internet through a coughing fit. Then we separated into groups with name tags to be led around the school, which is huge by my standards. So I wandered around with my fellow freshmen, none of whom I particularly liked and all of whom were being so loud that I couldn't hear the tour guides so I still don't know where any of my classes are. I had cut my nails specially in case anyone I don't like needed to Dealt With.

*deranged cackling*

Giraffes and unicorns.

And guinea pigs. Did I mention them? They aren't giraffes or unicorns, so I suppose I didn't.

Then again, these guys are neither pigs nor from Guinea, so I suppose I will just have to cuddle Maria while she questions her existence as a guinea pig.

Shall we get down to business?

Lilly holds a somewhat one-sided conversation with a troll.

preview:"We all lived in huts back then, and we would feed the cows wonderful smelling things yar... roses and chamomile and normal hay stuff, dry out the poos, and use them to fuel the fires in the winter. We didn't want to waste wood, because walking in the forest was a yar... lovely summer pastime, provided the great bears of the westnorth didn't come bumbling out from their mansions and decide they wanted you for an afternoon snack."

An encounter with dinosaurs

Today andie was having one of those days where doing chores is too hot and reading books is too boring and you don't really want to do anything but sit around eating otter pops. But just sitting there gives you ants in your pants. In a desperate attempt to amuse herself she wandered down to Rylan's room.

"RYLAN!"

Plums, and senorita elephant bum

Yesterday I was admiring the plum tree in our backyard that is growing very heavy with ripe fruit. They fit in your palm and are wonderfully sweet and juicy, but their skin tastes like tomatoes. Upon eating way more than I should have, I thought "OOH! MIRACLE OF NATURE! LET'S GO GET THAT ONE DOLL WHO IS A FOREST SPIRIT AND DO A SHOOT!"

the tomatoes are coming

So earlier this week Barrett's doll Saige came out to visit. She and lilly had been planning this elegant tea party and meeting of sorts for months. They made for fancy teas and matching cups and cute dresses and flowers, etc.etc.etc... 

Anyway, Saige arrived at the door at about 2 in the afternoon, and Lilly skipped over to the door and did an excelent job at showing proper manners, full of prim exuberance that plainly said "I want to be a princess, and I'd be darn good at it too." Saige, seeing how the game was to be played, replied to Lilly's chattering with an eloquent display of posh conduct.

A lazy Tuesday afternoon

Preview:

"And old Johnny Dashwood was like "Oh shoot. Me ol daddys done dead and now I've got all this money on my hands, which I should totally give to my sisters and mommy 'cause I'm a kindly old dude. It really beats me why he couldn't have divided up the money so they and I could have equal parts and do just fine, but it's the 18th century, for god's sakes, we cant be fair to the womenfolk!"

It was rather hot yeaterday, but the somewhat comfortable sort of hot, not the "oh-dang-we're-stuck-in-a-pit-of-hell-I-think-my-eyebrows-got-singed-off!" sort of hot. In the afternoon it had cooled down enough to have an enjoyable time outside for any length of time. 

Florence The Gender-Ambivalent Plastic Dragon goes to Whidbey Island

Yesterday my family met up with mom's friend Tracy on Whidbey island. Tracy is one of those people who won't let you burn oreos on the campfire or wear shoes in the house. And if you chew with your mouth open you have to "go outside and eat with the animals". (oh please. I live in the woods. That's not even a threat!)

So yes. Tracy is an interesting duck and a tad bit creatively stifling. It is me and my dad's job to keep ourselves sane by seeing just how silly we can be  before we have to fear for our lives. That silliness will come later. Right now let's focus on Florence.

This is Florence the Gender-Ambivalent Plastic Dragon.

I found it in Cole's room, and since i have been wanting a plastic dinosaur for months, I picked it up and put it in my pocket. (A plastic dinosaur is something I actually do want. but for my dolls to play with. Yeah. A dragon will have to do for now.) I decided to bring him with me on the trip. Here's Florence on the rock outside my fence

Andie teaches you what to do with unwanted food

Today I was presented with this item here that is pertending to be food.

I can see past it's disguise and can definitely tell you it is one of those Cookies That Isn't Really Food.

This particular species of cookie is not really food, but fluffy, squishy, dry and tasteless bread topped with sugar slime from the Swamps of Confection.

Goggles Tatooine Ice ax Girl tells you a story in her own weird way

Good morning, everyone! Gwen couldn't be here, so for today's story I am standing is as the third person not-quite-omniscient-narrator. Actually, I'm talking in first person right now. Wait till I do third person! I can do funny voices if you like.

My name is Goggles Tatooine IceAxe Girl.

Only I don't know if im a girl. You can't really tell with Legos, can you? 

I seem to be wearing makeup and I am bald. I haven't got any idea what I'm doing here. 

But I will be getting paid, I know that much.

The mad girl with the blue box

*TARDIS noises*

Can you Aragorn the doors of the TARDIS? is that legal?

Aragorn: verb, to throw open a pair of adjacent doors simultaneously and forcefully, while striding through purposefully. 

"If I Aragorn this door, it might just shatter the glass with the force of pure awesome."