Lilly holds a somewhat one-sided conversation with a troll.

preview:"We all lived in huts back then, and we would feed the cows wonderful smelling things yar... roses and chamomile and normal hay stuff, dry out the poos, and use them to fuel the fires in the winter. We didn't want to waste wood, because walking in the forest was a yar... lovely summer pastime, provided the great bears of the westnorth didn't come bumbling out from their mansions and decide they wanted you for an afternoon snack."

Good day to you all! Recently I found a troll in the living room, hanging out next to the bookshelf. So I went to talk and see if we could make friends, or at least learn about the ways of life of trolls.

I introduced myself and asked about life as a  troll.

"Yar. Hello, Tall One. Sit down. I must tell you a story about the ways of old."

"When I was a kid, we walked uphill to school both ways! When you wanted to look something up, you didn't just pull out your yar... skinny glowing brick, you had to go out into the woods, find a dead cat, draw a circle around it with the lopped off branch of a yar... hazelnut tree, chant "Hei, død katten. Jeg trenger du å bli en encyklopedi." and light a candle made of pig fat decorated with cranberries. If you had done it right, the great spirit Wikipedia would present itself and answer your question."

"That sounds very involved."

"It was. Wikipedia no longer lives in this realm. It moved to the yar... Interwebs, if the legends hold true."

"We all lived in huts back then, and we would feed the cows wonderful smelling things yar... roses and chamomile and normal hay stuff, dry out the poos, and use them to fuel the fires in the winter. We didn't want to waste wood, because walking in the forest was a yar... lovely summer pastime, provided the great bears of the westnorth didn't come bumbling out from their mansions and decide they wanted you for an afternoon snack."

"These bears lived in mansions, you say?"

"Yar. darn nice mansions these were, built into the very cliff faces on the edge of defiance. Rooms filled with yar... underground waterfalls and lit with bottled sunlight. Antique decorations graced the walls and the bedchambers were stuffed with clouds."

"Aren't clouds just collections of water vapor? How did you see the inside of the mansions if the bears wanted to eat you for an afternoon snack?"

"Hush, young one. I have been around a long time, and things have changed. Clouds were cotton fluff and volcanoes were windows into the stomachs of dragons. Enormous and powerful anthropomorphic beings ran amok in the skies, striking down all those who displeased them with lightning. They had horrible aim."

"what about the bears eating you, then?"

"that was only on Thursdays"

"I see."

"Back when there was enough trees to go around, you could pee or defecate behind any tree you wanted and no one hassled you about leaving the seat up! We rode atop unicorns in wreaths of flowers and fought with lions and yar... eagles. I was the to be the queen of it all, when bob was foolish enough to steal my crown and my favorite butter churn. That was a good old butter churn. It was the harbinger of bob's demise, i'll grant you. And after that event, I wasn't allowed to be queen anymore because they don't want you killing people no matter how big of a poop head they are."

"urhm."

"It wasn't a very violent or painful death, I'm sorry to say. It just seems he was too sensitive. I taunted him, you see. I told him his mother was a hamster and his father smelled of elderberries. And I farted in his general direction. I told him to go boil his bottoms, that son of a silly person. Bet you never heard of death by taunting, have you?"

"did you just say "bottoms"? As in plural?"

"Oh, yes, tall one. Bob was renown for his bottoms. He had nine of them. Nonabottom. That's where the term asinine comes from, you know." 

My great grandma owned a Scandinavian gift shop when she was alive, and that's where this troll came from. He (or she?) usually hides in the cupboardy bookshelfy thing in the living room. Whenever max stays over he insists we shut the cupboard 'cause the troll creeps him out.