Petty conversations for the weak minded

One day when I was a 6th grader and was particularly displeased with my airhead peers, I told my dad that I was going to write a book and name it "Petty Conversations For the Weak Minded" and use my lunch table for research. He laughed, because that was a very witty thing for a 6th grader to say, and then went back to making dinner.
That night I didn't feel like sleeping (I never feel like sleeping at night) so I began to write a how-to book for those who wanted desperately to talk as frivolously as those who ruled the 6th grade.

1

Complaining

The the most important part of a petty conversation is the dissing. Whether it's fashion, food, or friends, complaining is the key. What brings us together is common hatred, not common likes.

Conversation starter: "You know what I hate..."

Tip: search the very depths of your soul for the smallest worry or dislike. For example: the way someone ties their shoelaces.

2

Fashion

Complaining is the one thing you need for a petty conversation, but what should you complain about?

Fashion. Everyone has troubles with clothes, so why not take advantage of that?

Conversation starter: OMG!* Look what he/she is wearing!

Tip: Comment on how he/she always wears that or how ridiculous it is. If it's fashion disaster day in "spirit" week, dis on the people who don't participate.

*See chapter 5 for correct usage of OMG

3

Acting

Embellish and add spice to your petty discussion by acting out the part of the person you want to dis. Say "He/she's all like..." and then pretend to be the person

Tip: You can talk like the person, adding a lot of "duh huh huhs", or you can actually get up and immitate them.

4

Pet Peeves

Who wouldn't want to hear about your pet peeve? Don't be afraid to tell all of your adoring friends about them! A pet peeve is something that annoys you a tiny bit. When choosing your pet peeve, be sure to find a small, yet unavoidable problem, such as fake British accents.

Conversation starter: You know what a big per peeve pf mine is?

Tip: If you choose something like a fake British accent as your pet peeve, be aware that people will use this to deliberately annoy you.

5

Interjections

When having a petty conversation, be sure to use interjections like OMG or uggggh. OMG is most commonly used to add emphasis to your miniscule problem.

Say: OMG I hate that so much!

Tip: If you are new to saying OMG, say it like 3 seperate words. O-M-G. Don't pronounce it oomguh.

6

Bring it all together

If you think, then you are probably thinking: "How can I use this in real life?" It's fairly simple, actually. Use the Conversation Starters to strike up a conversation with your frivolous lunch mates, complain about something tiny, and remember to add lots of OMGs.

Examples

"You know what I hate? Joe's skinny jeans. I mean, who wears those? They're like, bright blue!"

"OMG! Look at that backpack. What normal backpack is completely covered in sparkles?

"SO I go up to Jane, and she's all like 'Whatdoyou want, Grace?'"

"You know what a big pet peeve of mine is? Ugly Dolls. People seem so childish clipping the stupid little things to their backpacks."

{Clip on Plunko is sad about that statement.}

More Tips

If someone says "I know, right?" you are doing it correctly.

It doesn't have to be all about you. Listen to someone else and say "I know, right?" every now and then. You don't have to pay attention. Other people's problems are not nearly as important as yours.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I got up out of bed and showed my parents while they were watching their show. Dad laughed until he cried.

I was a very angry 6th grader. And my sarcasm was lost on my peers. (but my language arts teachers thought it was highly amusing.)